February 18, Sunday

 I had a very disturbing dream last night. It was a leading the lambs to slaughter dream. Perhaps triggered off by what is considered normal behavior, but a bit much for me. All the alcohol. And all the family closeness, like it was too close, and the appearance of stoned, which is pretty obvious to me. Not everyone is perfect and all of those people can tolerate that look, but it is an issue for me. So glad I found at least a few people who are comfortable for me, they do speak only in Spanish and French though. Perhaps I will find others, but it may be difficult in rural Michigan. As long as I keep in contact with friends. Even by phone or zoom it will be ok.

Disturbing dream almost too much to write about, I was exhausted yesterday of my own doing. In the dream I rescued a young child,me? Who knows, if I was in therapy I am sure the therapist would help me figure it out. It always so bad I don’t even want to write about it. Maybe that’s what makes Ross Gay so intriguing , he’s does write everything down, perhaps prurient is the word that describes some of the writing, because it seems that way, perhaps because he evokes those emotions in the reader and they feel what he feels, maybe that is an ok thing to do. But I am one who has to shade her eyes from movies that are too verite, Like the movie Happening, Igor the Evenment, which I guess means the same thing about that occurrence in the 60s, see I still can’t even say what really happen ended in the movie.

Anyway in my dream I am left with a feeling of vulnerability because I was unaware of what was happening around me. I guess the message is to pay attention.

I have my friend in St. Paul who calls me and tells me what she is up to, and she is so great, trying to figure out life’s problems like how to sort through papers that currently have no relevance or erelevelence, whatever, some papers that are old and do not mean anything anymore. I have that and it is difficult. I shred stuff but that’s only the stuff that makes it into my how today, not the old stuff. Perhaps it is time, but 15 minutes a day would be enough. Like practicing or writing or arranging. I kind of like it. 15 minutes she says, you can almost do anything for 15 minutes. I do love that friend, so steadfast and true, I guess like all of my friends. Land family. Although I guess I feel threatened when I burn the candle at both ends trying to be the perfect grandmother and find myself the brunt of all kinds of teasing, which I guess is their way of giving me recognition. 

Done for the day.