Friday March 1, 2024 further writing

 I apparently have an improvement in fragment phrase, so let’s see if I have another one.

Early Winter Morn

Sun cast tree shadows

On winding road

Tree shadows pattern winding road

Tall tree shadows sun between

Sun between tall tree shadows

Cast on winding road

Road winds underfoot

Early Winter Morn

Sun between tall tree shadows

Cast on winding road

Green meadow open

White tail deer slow down and graze

Following their trail

You're doing so well with these!  Yes, you're correctly identifying what is the fragment and what is the phrase in your first one:

Winter wind whistles 

Squirrel carries an acorn 

To earth home safety


"Winter wind," the fragment, frames the image of the squirrel carrying an acorn to the earth.  To further underscore the idea of safety, and also just based on what I know of squirrel behavior, here's a tweak to consider:


Winter wind whistles 

Squirrel buries an acorn 

In earth home safety


The act of burying, to me, makes the acorn feel "secure" (though it beats me how squirrels remember where they bury things!) – and how the earth is kind of a "safe box" for their treasures.  And you also might want to hyphenate "earth home" (i.e., as "earth-home") so that it doesn't seem like two separate concepts.  These are just some things to consider – I think this haiku is working very well! It's great how you've used imagery to show us what is going on.  The only abstract concept you have is "safety" at the end, and that's not necessarily a problem.  I've been trying to think of how you could show safety through imagery in this line…  I thought of " In familiar earth" -though "familiar" is also an abstract concept.  Or maybe you could put "In the sun-warmed earth," with "sun-warmed" evoking a sense of something welcoming and familiar.  Just some thoughts to consider.

I think this one very much has a haiku moment – a moment of hearing the whistling wind and seeing the squirrel stashing (or carrying) an acorn.


And it's marvelous in your second haiku here that you are working with a pivot line!  You've got a strong poem here:


February cold 

Sun warmth through the window panes

Daffodil shoots snap



This poem does everything through imagery!  

We can read this as a fragment and phrase poem with "February cold" being the fragment and the rest being the phrase, or you can read it as a pivot-line poem, where the second line "speaks" to both the first and third lines.  That is, you could have 2 two-line haiku because of the pivot-line.

However, this poem feels like it has two fragments - both the "February cold" and "Daffodil shoots to snap" work like fragments.  You could make "Daffodil shoots snap" more a part of the phrase begun with "Sun warmth through the window panes" if you connect it grammatically; for example:


February cold 

Through the sun-warmed window panes

Daffodil shoots snap


[Or you could put something like "new daffodils shoots"]


I love the freshness and sound of "Daffodil shoots snap," and I strongly get the sense of its being so cold that the daffodils shoots get snapped off, or just killed off, from the cold.  But then I have another reading of it - during the winter, some people force daffodil bulbs on their windowsills, and in that reading of this poem, I read "snap" as that they have a growth spurt—they are becoming a "snappy" or lively.  I think that reading works too.  So it's up to you how you'd like to revise if you want to bring out one meaning more than another.

I do think this has a haiku moment -one of noticing the daffodil shoots on this cold day.

Really good work - I can really see you working with fragment and phrase and thinking about the haiku moment -and imagery! And pivot-line!  Very nice work.

Wishing you many more haiku moments as spring keeps coming along!

--Jennifer



----- Original Message -----
From: "brbr bntz" <brbr.bntz@gmail.com>
To: "jburd" <jburd@tc3net.com>
Sent: Thursday, February 29, 2024 9:41:14 PM
Subject: 2 more Haiku

Winter wind whistles 

Squirrel carries an acorn 

To earth home safety

You're doing so well with these!  Yes, you're correctly identifying what is the fragment and what is the phrase in your first one:


Winter wind whistles 

Squirrel carries an acorn 

To earth home safety


"Winter wind," the fragment, frames the image of the squirrel carrying an acorn to the earth.  To further underscore the idea of safety, and also just based on what I know of squirrel behavior, here's a tweak to consider:


Winter wind whistles 

Squirrel buries an acorn 

In earth home safety


The act of burying, to me, makes the acorn feel "secure" (though it beats me how squirrels remember where they bury things!) – and how the earth is kind of a "safe box" for their treasures.  And you also might want to hyphenate "earth home" (i.e., as "earth-home") so that it doesn't seem like two separate concepts.  These are just some things to consider – I think this haiku is working very well! It's great how you've used imagery to show us what is going on.  The only abstract concept you have is "safety" at the end, and that's not necessarily a problem.  I've been trying to think of how you could show safety through imagery in this line…  I thought of " In familiar earth" -though "familiar" is also an abstract concept.  Or maybe you could put "In the sun-warmed earth," with "sun-warmed" evoking a sense of something welcoming and familiar.  Just some thoughts to consider.

I think this one very much has a haiku moment – a moment of hearing the whistling wind and seeing the squirrel stashing (or carrying) an acorn.


And it's marvelous in your second haiku here that you are working with a pivot line!  You've got a strong poem here:


February cold 

Sun warmth through the window panes

Daffodil shoots snap



This poem does everything through imagery!  

We can read this as a fragment and phrase poem with "February cold" being the fragment and the rest being the phrase, or you can read it as a pivot-line poem, where the second line "speaks" to both the first and third lines.  That is, you could have 2 two-line haiku because of the pivot-line.

However, this poem feels like it has two fragments - both the "February cold" and "Daffodil shoots to snap" work like fragments.  You could make "Daffodil shoots snap" more a part of the phrase begun with "Sun warmth through the window panes" if you connect it grammatically; for example:


February cold 

Through the sun-warmed window panes

Daffodil shoots snap


[Or you could put something like "new daffodils shoots"]


I love the freshness and sound of "Daffodil shoots snap," and I strongly get the sense of its being so cold that the daffodils shoots get snapped off, or just killed off, from the cold.  But then I have another reading of it - during the winter, some people force daffodil bulbs on their windowsills, and in that reading of this poem, I read "snap" as that they have a growth spurt—they are becoming a "snappy" or lively.  I think that reading works too.  So it's up to you how you'd like to revise if you want to bring out one meaning more than another.

I do think this has a haiku moment -one of noticing the daffodil shoots on this cold day.

Really good work - I can really see you working with fragment and phrase and thinking about the haiku moment -and imagery! And pivot-line!  Very nice work.

Wishing you many more haiku moments as spring keeps coming along!

--Jennifer



----- Original Message -----
From: "brbr bntz" <brbr.bntz@gmail.com>
To: "jburd" <jburd@tc3net.com>
Sent: Thursday, February 29, 2024 9:41:14 PM
Subject: 2 more Haiku

Winter wind whistles 

Squirrel carries an acorn 

To earth home safety



(In this one I think the first line is the fragment, the rest a phrase, had to use alliteration, couldn’t help myself, fragment is “above”, phrase below, winter as danger versus home)



February cold 

Sun warmth through the window panes

Daffodil shoots snap



(In this one I split “snap” away from February cold and put it in the last line, for fun. I’m not sure about this but the middle line, the windows are a kind of physical pivot, in the sense that you look through the window…..)



So does any of the above make sense, would you position stuff differently, sticking to 5 7 5, I like the parameters, still working on fragment, phrase and Haiku moment. Recommended ways to make these more of that “moment”?

Thank you, Barbara 

(In this one I think the first line is the fragment, the rest a phrase, had to use alliteration, couldn’t help myself, fragment is “above”, phrase below, winter as danger versus home)



February cold 

Sun warmth through the window panes

Daffodil shoots snap



(In this one I split “snap” away from February cold and put it in the last line, for fun. I’m not sure about this but the middle line, the windows are 99999 a kind of physical pivot, in the sense that you look through the window…..)



So does any of the above make sense, would you position stuff differently, sticking to 5 7 5, I like the parameters, still working on fragment, phrase and Haiku moment. Recommended ways to make these more of that “moment”?

Thank you, Barbara  9999